On The Road My Ancestors Paved But Walking In My Shoes
This journey called life has taught me that I am alive because of the descendants that came before me. My love and admiration for my ancestors go beyond words. I appreciate their struggles and triumphs and every lesson learned along the way. My journey has led me down some pleasant and not so pleasant roads. Some of those roads I can honestly say were life changing, so much so that it altered my mental state, i.e., depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Over a period of time, I found myself seeking guidance because I felt I had nowhere else to go. I tried speaking with my pastor, to talking with two different therapists in the same week, only to end up being silent and still. I meditated and spoke with God, it never occurred to me to talk to the souls who have been standing and walking beside me throughout my whole existence.
From January 2017 to May 2018, I experienced three miscarriages (walking in my journey I had a total of four). I was lost and felt as though I had no real purpose. I was working to live and living to work. I was distracted by unnecessary busy work and by unnecessary people. I thought that immersing myself into the church would help soothe my soul, but that didn’t help. I found some solace in my artwork but it didn’t answer the most important question of all, “WHY?” I used to think that I experienced all that I had thus far because eventually, my testimony will be beneficial to someone else. I couldn’t see the HOW! It wasn’t until this past summer that I went to a Women’s Healing Circle led by a beautiful sister named Karma Soul that awakened my heart, mind, and third eye.
I realized that I am not only walking the path of my ancestors, but I have also been wearing the same shoes they walked in. Now to some that may sound inspiring and to others that can be damaging, however, I am speaking of the emotional souls of the shoes my ancestors wore. When I first heard that I can carry the emotional tears and baggage of those who came before them, I felt every bit of those words resound throughout my body. It was like a scream of YESSSSSS we are here. My outward expression went from simply breathing to panting and crying. I began to feel my journey, I began to feel my long walk, and I also felt like I was being trampled on. My emotions went from pride, to reluctance, to fear. I screamed out to myself, “I don’t want to carry my mother’s baggage.” Panic set in because I thought about how damaging baggage can be to the body and evidently to my womb. Tears began to fall, I thought about my four souls that slipped away in my body. I yelled out a huge cry because I couldn’t bear to hold that space in my mind anymore. I thought, “Was this the reason why my babies didn’t live?” The women there held me as I slipped away in my mind to release everything that I was holding onto in that moment. I inhaled one deep breath (with snot and everything coming out of me into my tissue) and exhaled, feeling as though my body just collapsed. This particular day was so unexpected, and much needed. I released so much pressure that had me down for so long. I was searching for answers and my Creator, my God, led me to where I needed to be.
After experiencing that amazing spiritual awakening, I knew it was time to truly heal. It was time to dig deep and let go of ‘superficial healing.’ What I consider superficial healing is just praying with no substance, or telling myself that I will be ok without doing the work to heal inward and outward. As I begin to tell you what I have been doing, know that I am still nursing my souls as I am walking my journey. As I stated, my last miscarriage happened on Mother’s Day weekend of 2018, soon after that, I sat down with my husband and explained how tired I felt and that I needed a break from life. So my first step was to rid myself of any responsibilities that I had to my family and community, the only thing left was my job. I believe that this process was the hardest, because I am a giving person and always put others’ needs before my own (me wearing the souls of my mother and other ancestors), so I needed to coach my mind to say no, Leilani first.
Second, I took inventory of my current situation. I needed to mourn in my own time, in my own way, with no one telling me what is the best way for me. I also needed to mourn not only one but four (permission I never really gave myself previously) souls. For me, that meant keeping to myself a lot. I cut communication with my friends and family, I only spoke when I needed to; the only person I made sure I communicated with was my husband and vice versa. You will realize that a lot of unnecessary chatter comes from the ones you love. It was in this process that I learned about how I communicate to people; self-reflection is a great process. I acknowledged negatives and positives. Third, I found a spiritual mentor, my beautiful sister friend Venus dablackgoddess, she was the one who introduced me to the Woman’s Healing Circle, and to so much more. When I say that she was God sent, I am grateful our paths connected, she truly is a healer.
Fourth, I connected with my partner; this process is as much as his as it is mine. There was nothing I didn’t do that I didn’t consult with him first. He supported my every decision and has joined me in most of the healing stages. Lastly, I kept my faith. I say kept because I did lose it, but I gained it back tenfold. When trauma strikes you hard, it’s hard to say that your faith can’t be waivered or tested. India Arie writes in her song, Back to the Middle, “to get to the top you must learn to come back to the middle.” Throughout this spiritual journey I know I am God and God is Me, and where we are resides in my core, my middle. I still believe that God will deliver us a baby and that I am strong regardless.
I am forever grateful for this journey, like James Cleveland said, “I don’t mind the pitfalls.” My days may not always seem sweeter than the day before, in the end the sweet reminder is that I am still here on this earth walking and writing my story. My name is Leilani Yizar-Reid, wife, sister, daughter, Bennett Belle from Bennett College, community member, and a mother. I am gratefully and respectfully walking in my own shoes down the path my ancestors paved.
Edited by Medallio Green, owner of MG’s Edits, LLC.
Artwork: Sensitive Soul by Leilani Yizar-Reid
